(disclaimer-it's probably the longest blog I've ever written!)
so...my birthday was amazing! i was totally not looking forward to turning 20, and i'm definately still in denial. for those of you who don't know, i have a pretty extreme obessession with odd numbers. and so far, i haven't come up with a reason for why being 20 is okay. i really don't like the number 20 b/c it's to round and nice and perfect...2 decades on this earth. yuck. and there's nothing exciting to do when you turn 20, so they should either invent something or eliminate the age. it sucks b/c you're no longer a teenager (which i very much loved), and it's the time when you're supposed to start acting a little more adult-like. i don't wanna grow up-i'm a Toys R Us kid! lol. i guess the only way i can really look forward to this year being 20 is that it is the beginning of a new decade in my life. your first decade is your childhood and a time for fun and vague memories of such things. your second decade, which i just completed is a time of remembering everything you possibly can and holding onto those memories. although i have come to some other conclusions...for one i decided that i am VERY happy to no longer be in high school and being held to those standards of who you are supposed to be to other people (the cool girl, the good girl, the hot girl, whatever!). I believe that in the 2 years since high school i have really begun to find who i want to be! the other thing is that i have now the chance to totally turn over a new leaf. Thinking back upon my teenage years, i can honestly say that i've been through and put myself through a lot! I think it might be time to come clean...and boy...this is going to be fun! First, when i was actually 12 (it continued when i was 13), i decided to rebel and go freaking crazy and meet this dude on the internet who was supposed to be only 17 or so. he thought i was either 14 or 15, i can't remember. but newayz...when i first met him, Lindsey Magdalene was with me and she told him i was really 13, and he said it was okay b/c he was really 19. which he wasn't even that i found out after the brief relationship (he was like, 24!) eww! but that was the one time i actually ever snuck out of my house was for him...i wrote about it in my diary like some kind of idiot and since Nana had suspected something was up, she read it and freaked! That was probably the worst time in my life as far as a personal mistake. I had the door to my room off the hinges for weeks and i completely destroyed my grandparents trust in me. and needless to say, the computer got moved to the living room. lol. that was all definately the "wild stage" for me.
At 14, I lost my daddy to a reaction of an accidental overdose of 2 anti-depression medications, that at the time were still under development. If you want to know more about that you can ask me. But I was sitting in World History when Dr. Morris came to the door and said "Randi Morrison? Is she in here? Hey Randi, if you could come to my office with me…you're not in trouble." I had that really weird gut feeling like I was one of those kids you see in the movies or on TV that get called out of class when a family member dies, but I just shook it off. She walked with me and we talked about my classes and grades and stuff, and I really just thought maybe she wanted to talk about my classes that I had just registered for. But then she told me that nana and papa were on their way up there b/c they thought something had happened in my family. Turns out in the end after lots of confusion, that Officer Baxter had to call in to find out what happened and it was confirmed that it was daddy. No one would tell me what happened and I just wanted to stay at school to be distracted, and to keep my perfect attendance. But Dr. Morris said she would let me have the day anyway and I had to go home. It was a bad day and I just stayed in my room. I don't remember much more than that. The next day, I went to my band competition, but the only thing I remember about the day was that I was on the bus. Everyone…family, friends, and just ppl who knew me were worried about me b/c I didn't cry or anything for about 3 or 4 days. I remember Chris Wright being there for some of it, but I remember that Lindsey never left my side except for us to go to school. She was there sleeping with me and just holding me waiting for me to cry. I was b/w her and chris when I finally did. I never dealt with the situation until last year really, when I went through many, many changes that my roommate and one of my best friends, Tiffany did not understand. I went through a lot of counseling (twice a week for almost 6 months), and I let go of a lot that happened with the whole situation. Not long after Daddy passed, I decided that I had to get involved with a church that I loved as much as he loved New Vision.
So I started at Southside and met Matthew my first day there. We started "going out" that day. Dating Matthew was a lot of fun, and the whole time was just FULL of drama (which at the time I liked lol). I remember that was the first time I felt different than all the other kids in the youth group, like what we did outside of church (cussing, lying, some of them smoking, cheating, and engaging in not-so-great promiscuity) was wrong. I still hung out with them, but I tried to stop cussing and lying. I never really smoked, but I tried to get them to stop doing it around me. Eventually I got tired of it all, and I met a great guy at school who went to our "sister church", Oak Grove BC. We talked a lot and we acted like for the longest time, that we hated each other b/c we didn't agree on ANYTHING. I still have all the notes we wrote back and forth in 10th grade. I started going to OGBC some b/c me and matthew were having problems, and then one night after youth, (like many times before), we went to the House of Pizza in Lincolnton. I sat across from Robbie I think, and beside Emily and Catie. When it was time to pay, Robbie and I were the first ones out, and when we were talking behind his jeep in the parking lot, he just kissed me. (I was still dating matthew at this time, lol). Jana was my ride home, and after she realized while talking to her love interest Ronnie (yes, my Ronnie!), that I wasn't around, they started looking for me. Robbie was kissing me at the exact moment when Jana decided to turn her headlights on us. I had never seen her so mad, nor have I since. I thought she was gonna kill one of us! I ran and tried to get in the Jeep with Robbie, but he was already leaving! Lol. To make a long story short, I had to confess to Matthew and a few weeks later I started dating Robbie! During the time I was dating Robbie was a confusing time with my friends. We were closer when we were around other people, b/c our youth group at OGBC was amazing and we had lots of fun times together. But as far as my relationship with Lindsey, it really started to slide away here. But Tiff and Em stuck with me b/c they were in the group. It was the best time in my life with that youth group, and a lot of drama happened, but it was amazing. I'm so sad that the group had split. Anyway, the next two years (16-18) were pretty much consumed by Robbie and that time of learning so much about life and how much it can suck. When we broke up the day after my senior prom, I thought I was going to die.
But I stuck it out and I ended up having the best summer in a LONG time! I hung out with Emily tons (we were both single after all), and Tiff hung with us a lot too, even though she was dating Brian at the time. I hung out with Robbie a few times just as friends, but it was hard, so I decided that I had to let go. We didn't talk for a long time, but now at the present time, I think it's refreshing to talk to him occasionally and hear about his new life. That was the summer before college, and it was a short one.
I never would have guessed that I would EVER talk to Ronnie Rombs. But when he emailed me to "ask how I was" after he heard about me and Robbie breaking up, we just started talking. Ronnie really kinda freaked me out at first, and I never thought anything would come of it b/c he was talking to someone else, and I was kinda interested in this guy at work. Neither of those worked out for us, and in the end I decided they would make a GREAT couple! Lol. My guy was a total flake, and she was well…I don't really know. I was warned to be wary of Ronnie, but I took my chances b/c by that point in life, I was just ready to party and didn't care what really happened. (I never got that chance tho lol). We talked for a while, and then finally after he had asked several times to be his girlfriend, I said yes on August 17, the day before I started at GWU. Honestly, at that point, I thought he would just be my rebound guy and we'd date a few months and I'd get over it. That is obviously not what happened! Lol. Let me go into my changes though that happened at Gardner-Webb. I roomed with Tiffany and her life was my life, her friends, my friends. It was pretty stifling.
Around October we were told that if we went to the depression screening they were having on campus, that we would get extra points in one of our classes. So I went and I thought I was fine, but it showed up that I scored high on the possibility of Bipolar Disorder. So they asked me to come to a counseling session, and I did. I was hooked. I had a grad student who was a mom, and she was great! She really worked with me and cared about my life and my progress. Poor Tiffany (and to this day, I don't think I've apologized, so I'm sorry tiff) didn't have a clue as to what was going on mostly b/c I didn't, but she knew I was dazed. The whole year there for me was like a trial run, and it felt a little like preschool. I went home every weekend and I clung tightly to things and people I had known forever when in reality I wanted to let go. That was when I got my second tattoo to really help me remember what would get me through everyday (love, FAITH, and peace in the symbols of a heart, cross and peace sign on my left inside ankle. Which was the ankle I broke before my junior prom). Honestly, that really helped me cope, and along with that reminder, me establishing my "color" to go into when I was upset, and a little bit of God and family, I made it through my counseling with great success! I really worked through a lot that had been subconsciously holding me back, and guess what? I'm not bipolar, I just have SAD-seasonal affective disorder, which I have a therapy light for. (google it. Hehe) After I was done with my counseling, I felt like a whole new person for the summer and decided I wanted to go somewhere that would allow me to make the changes I so desperately needed to make and escape the stereotype of who I had been for so long.
So this year I came to Appalachian State (still dating Ronnie!), and it has been amazing. I have learned so much about myself and really found out who I am and want to be! I learned that I can't stand to live with other people, so it wasn't just Tiffany lol. (we have since repaired our relationship to a status that is better than it ever has been, btw!) I don't get along well with messy/dirty people and ppl that party, so I'm looking forward to having my new roommates for next year in here! Lol. I've learned that I am my own person outside my family, but that there is no reason I can't talk to them EVERY DAY b/c I do! I call home everyday, and go home about every-other weekend. Ronnie comes up the weekends that I don't go home, and now that I've tasted a little bit of this "Adult" freedom, I don't know that I ever want to give it up, as much as it hurts to do so. It is really difficult to distance myself from my family by living here, and I have cried many nights missing them and wanting to just wake up at home. I have a baby-my little Chihuahua. Her name is Delyla, and she is mine and Ronnie's. We are "mommy and daddy" lol. I originally got her to keep me company, but due to roommate complications had to send her home to nana's. Delyla taught me a lot about myself also…I learned that I can handle poop to an extent, as well as throwing up and some of the things that a future child might throw at me! Haha. This year I have desperately longed to be around babies and to even have one of my own, but I know that I will be so much happier to know that feeling when I am married and in my career, so for now I live out my baby needs through my new roommate and my cousin (thanks JP and Katie!) lol.
As for me and my God? He has taught me so much about the person I am, and what he has in store for me. I have grown so much closer to Him and He is now a big part of mine and Ronnie's relationship. It was really scary to go through the changes of what God has called me to do, and it is daily, but I know that it is so worth it. Everything that I thought I wanted to be when I came here God changed and turned into something SOOO much better. Instead of coming here and just being here and going out occasionally and such, I came here and He got me involved with CCF and some people who have really invested so much in my life and spirituality. I can't even begin to name all the ones who have helped me grow so tremendously, but you know who you are so thank you all SO much! (and if you don't know if you have helped me, please write me and ask me how you have helped me! I would more than happy to share with you!) God has really worked through me and in me, and b/c of that I may have found some of the best friends of my life! It is rumored too that God has given me the man of my dreams as long as Ronnie and I keep God ever-present in our relationship and live by HIS rules. And last but not least, I know that God has made me closer to Tiffany Shuford and Emily Nantz than ever before and he has really flip-flopped a lot of things for us! But we just have to have faith, right girls? :-D And as for Lindsey Magdalene? God is still working on repairing or disassembling that relationship, whichever it is that He is trying to do. I am unsure of that at this point. We have grown apart and changed so much, yet at the same time, I know that we have a past and a love for each other that surpasses all understanding. We will know with time. My point is, I have gone through a lot in the decade I just lived, and somehow I survived. I was a hellion, a biotch, a lover, a fighter, a crazy person; I was a teenager. Now that I am 20, I can look back and realize this-that I have a whole new life ahead of me…not one that is free from pain or craziness or even hellionness (lol), but one that is new and fresh, and one to look forward to. In the next decade, I get a new life…I get to (God willing), graduate college, marry my sweetheart, start my career as a social worker, have babies of my own, and watch my little brother go through his crazy stages (and I PRAY that I will have the strength and sense from God to get him through it as pain-free as possible). I get to buy a house, pass along my toys and teddies, and drive a mom-mobile (which will prolly end up being my Ford Escape lol). And as much as this is exciting, I will always remember my daddy and I will teach my children about what an amazing Papa they would have had. I get to give my grandparents great-grandchildren (firsts for Nana and Papa!), and I get to grow closer to my family and get to know them from a perspective where they are no longer "taking care of me" but are my friends and loved ones, and those that I can lean on when things are tough. There are things I know that I have left out, but you're tired of reading now anyway, so I'll end with this…I have a great life! And I will…I'm determined.
No comments:
Post a Comment