before bed

Tonight I just feel like I should write. I don't really have too much to say, but I am feeling all clogged up in my head. Like there are a bunch of thoughts up there that want to get out but can't find the escape route. I am currently listening to a page I found on stumbleupon.com called "songs to lie on your bed and stair at the ceiling to", and I like it. I think it is stimulating my creative/philosophical brain. lol.

Have you ever felt like you are coming so close to something that you just want to turn around and run the hell away from it?! cuz I'm kinda feelin' like that towards graduation. This semester is going to be so hard, although not impossible, and I just want to turn around and run in the opposite direction. Like, go get a job at Autobell again or something stupid. There is just soooo much to do before I am ready for the 'real world'.


If I had it my way, I would just capture Ronnie and we would lay on the bed with my head on his shoulder until the end of time. It just seems like all is right with the world when he holds me. I know that's cliche, but it's true. I just lay on his shoulder and breathe. I breathe in the smell of his aftershave or cologne, close my eyes, and know that life will never be more simple than it is in that moment. And then he kisses me on the forehead. I long for that every single day. Daddy used to do that a lot...kiss me on the forehead. I think it's such a sign of affection. **sigh** I just don't even want to wait anymore. But the little kid in me still wants that big wedding and to "live happily ever after" once the wedding day is over. hahaha. I know that's not how it works, but I like the idea anyway. Maybe we can be an exception.

And you know what makes me madder than a wet hornet?! when people stick their dayum noses where they don't belong!!! how dare you stick your nose where it don't belong?! I know this is bold and totally not directed at anyone you know, but omg. I have never been so offended in my life as I was earlier today. Chelsea literally had to remind me breathe b/c I was laughing like a mad woman with hysteria and was the color of the garnet bathroom door. haha! comical now. so glad that's over, but don't think I'll be forgetting that incident any time soon! Forgive the poor person? sure. b/c I am pretty sure they were put up to it. Forgive the person who I think set them up? well, that might take a while. ugh. I AM HAPPY WITH MY FIANCE. I PLAN TO BE WITH HIM AS LONG AS WE BOTH LIVE. I TRULY BELIEVE GOD BROUGHT US TOGETHER, AND WHAT'S THAT VERSE IN THE VOWS? "What therefore GOD hath joined together, let NO MAN put asunder". YEAH, WE'RE GETTING THERE. thanks :D

so that's it for tonight I suppose. Gonna go write in my journal and pass out. always, -r.

I have a blog?!

<--A pretty recent shot of me and the Ronnie :)

A blog? LOL. I had totally forgotten! Well, not totally. I think about it from time to time and then it just goes away. But tonight I started a new blog-one about losing weight to feel better. I won't give you the address to it right now b/c I am not sure if I can stick with it. So for now, Ronnie is the only privileged one to have access to it. lol.

Anyway, I was glancing back over some of these entries and realized something. In comparison to all that you see here, I feel like I have lost a lot of the zest in my life. Now the everyday is just everyday and nothing is like "wow, that's awesome". I feel like I'm just trudging my way through trying to make it to the other side of this thing called grad school. As you can see, that previous entry has been my only one since I started this ridiculousness. I am far too busy to do much else. However, there has been something to replace my blogging-oh no, I could never stop writing for that long.

You see, every night before I go to bed now (with the exception of a few nights where I zonk out unexpectedly or work up to the point of exhaustion), I write in a journal to Ronnie. The poor guy reads all of my random thoughts that I had throughout the day, whether he already heard a ten minute rant on it or not! lol. It really helps me to clear my mind, and some of the things are just much to mundane or irate to post on a blog. See, I am really kind of boring. And I tend to get irritated rather quickly here lately. The thing is, I get all riled up and then it's over. I get it out and then I can breathe again. I know it makes ppl crazy that I get all up in arms and the normal response is "calm down, just breathe, the world is not ending" to which I respond ever so politely "you think I'm an idiot?! I know the world isn't going to end!! I just need to get this off my chest! Now shut up and listen...". HAHA then I tell them (usually him [Ronnie]) and it's over. No point in carrying it on or drawing it out. It doesn't do anyone any good. I'm not crazy.

So anyway, if you're looking for an update, I don't really have much to give you. Grad school is really hard, but at least at this point I know that failing/quitting is not an option. I am already $40,000 in debt and there's no turning back now! ha! yeah, I don't even wanna think about it. I don't even wanna know the total of my student loans!! ugghh...makes my head spin just think about it. okay, that's over.

Ronnie and I are still planning on April 2012. April 21, 2012 to be more specific. But it's not set in stone, and we may run off before then. However this is not very likely b/c I really beginning to like the idea of a 'real' wedding. Oh, Emily Nantz, one of the other three musketeers is engaged and getting married August 14th! I guess that's a big deal! lol. And Tiff-single as ever (smart girl). But I hear she's got some things in the works *wink wink*. As for my Lindsey-well, we're both waiting on me to get done with school to figure out how the rest of our life together will go. haha. We are literally going to have to get to know one another all over again.

So yeah, this is a long one and I have a ton more that I could say, but honestly my hands are cold and they are starting to hurt so imma give up for the night.

g'night! -r.