sure...why not? actually i just have this overwhelming need to write! tonight was awesome. ronnie is sick (and i think i'm getting that way), so he didn't go to work. so after dinner with the family, i took delyla with me and we went over to his house and watched Fireproof. Once we got past the bad actress, it was an amazing movie and by the end we were both in tears. i have had problems trusting lately (as you may know from previous blogs), but this gave me a perspective i wasn 't necessarily looking for. i realized it is possible for someone to love me like ronnie says he does. it is really hard sometimes to believe it, but i could see how desperately he wants me to believe it and trust him. at one point, he was just like "exactly! that's how i feel about you!" and i was like..umm..ok? lol. i still don't get that exactly but it's okay. i understand now that it is possible to be loved no matter what. and i think to ronnie, i must be beautiful...cuz that's how he stares at me :-) i'm just happy. i will update you more later, but for now, i'm going to bed b/c i'm sleepy even though i'm not sure i can sleep. God...He works...ya know? -r.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
i should be going home
As it says, i should be on my way home right now. i wanted to be out of boone by 10:30a, but it's 10a and i just woke up (haha). i have been feeling "off" lately, for lack of a better word. i barely slept wed. night at all and then i slept eight hours last night. but that's not what i meant when i said "off." it is somewhat hard to explain, but i have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). The Mayo Clinic lists the symptoms as:
i'm not saying this to complain, but to explain to anyone who may have been wondering what is wrong with me, as well as to let others know that this is a very real condition. i need someone to know besides Ronnie, because he's been getting the brunt of it all...he's seen the times when i'm really down on myself and the times i could talk his ear off all night. i hope this coming to week to hit one of my little cleaning sprees and clear off that desk and clean this room (b/c it looks like a tornado hit!) lol. I will let you know what comes of this.
On a happier note, i have learned that in order to trust someone, you must be humble. i am a server-i have always known this, but in order to serve, you must be humble. in order to truly love others, you must be humble. in order to have a relationship with God, you must be humble. I am prideful. while i don't walk around boasting about myself and how awesome i am (b/c i am most def. not), i realize that i have hardened my heart just enough that the shell around it is nothing but pride. i haven't allowed God to break me down, i haven't allowed Ronnie to start trying to build up our relationship again, and i haven't had that heart of service i long so desperately for. i have built up walls just thick enough to keep emotion out. i cry for sad movies or songs, but for a couple of months now, i haven't felt true emotion for longer than a day at a time. i have been really happy a few times and had a few awesome days, but for the most part, i feel like i've been in a daze. pray that God breaks down these walls because what drives me crazy is that i know there's nothing to them! they're as thin as plywood-even the walls to world! but i am hopeful, and i believe Him when God says His mercies are new each morning and there is hope in my future.
-r.
- Depression
- Hopelessness
- Anxiety
- Loss of energy
- Social withdrawal
- Oversleeping
- Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed
- Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates
- Weight gain
- Difficulty concentrating and processing information
i'm not saying this to complain, but to explain to anyone who may have been wondering what is wrong with me, as well as to let others know that this is a very real condition. i need someone to know besides Ronnie, because he's been getting the brunt of it all...he's seen the times when i'm really down on myself and the times i could talk his ear off all night. i hope this coming to week to hit one of my little cleaning sprees and clear off that desk and clean this room (b/c it looks like a tornado hit!) lol. I will let you know what comes of this.
On a happier note, i have learned that in order to trust someone, you must be humble. i am a server-i have always known this, but in order to serve, you must be humble. in order to truly love others, you must be humble. in order to have a relationship with God, you must be humble. I am prideful. while i don't walk around boasting about myself and how awesome i am (b/c i am most def. not), i realize that i have hardened my heart just enough that the shell around it is nothing but pride. i haven't allowed God to break me down, i haven't allowed Ronnie to start trying to build up our relationship again, and i haven't had that heart of service i long so desperately for. i have built up walls just thick enough to keep emotion out. i cry for sad movies or songs, but for a couple of months now, i haven't felt true emotion for longer than a day at a time. i have been really happy a few times and had a few awesome days, but for the most part, i feel like i've been in a daze. pray that God breaks down these walls because what drives me crazy is that i know there's nothing to them! they're as thin as plywood-even the walls to world! but i am hopeful, and i believe Him when God says His mercies are new each morning and there is hope in my future.
-r.
Monday, January 26, 2009
me 101
well...where do i begin? read the "about me" section to learn about who i am, and of course, you will learn through my blogs. i guess i can tell you about the name of my blog! i am a huge Robert Frost fan, and my favorite poem of all time is "The road not taken." in it he mentions "a yellow wood," and that was going to be my initial name, but it didn't quite fit. i love butterflies and fairies and all things mystical and beautiful, so i chose to feature butterflies (since that is the one creature i have tattooed on my body lol). and the name is kind of strange and so am i, so it fits. just a little about my writing style: my blogs reflect me and how i talk, and i hate using CAPS so it's a rarity when i do...please excuse that annoyance. i am pretty random, but i have been experiencing a creative block lately, so i'm hoping this will give me a little extra motivation to get out of the funk. other than that...i will be posting some past blogs from myspace (some of the greats) very soon (like, after i eat lunch), and then i will start new postings asap! thanks for taking an interest and i can't wait for some comments! -r.
amused (from march 20, 2007)
this is what one of those stupid things that goes around in bulletins said about me and in grey are the comments i made to what it said...lol. ENJOY!
APRIL = SWEETIE
Stubborn and hard-headed (def.). Strong-willed and
highly motivated (yup!). Sharp thoughts. Easily angered (unfortunately).
Attracts others and loves attention (FOR SURE!). Deep feelings (about a lot of things).
Beautiful physically and mentally (aww thanks!). Firm Standpoint (uh-huh).
Needs no motivation (oohh, is that my problem?). Shy towards opposite sex (Pfft! HARDLY!).
Easily consoled (ehh..). Systematic (left brain) (boy they missed that one-i'm 100% right brained lol). Loves to dream (yesss). Strong clairvoyance (weird how they knew that!). Understanding.
Sickness usually in the ear and neck (neck yes, head yes, stomach yes, ear? no). Good imagination (uh huh). Good physical (good physical what? lol). Weak breathing (asthma). Loves literature and the arts (kinda). Loves travelling (YES!). Dislike being at home (most of the time). Restless (for sure).
Hardworking (yup). High spirited (i like to think so!). -r.
APRIL = SWEETIE
Stubborn and hard-headed (def.). Strong-willed and
highly motivated (yup!). Sharp thoughts. Easily angered (unfortunately).
Attracts others and loves attention (FOR SURE!). Deep feelings (about a lot of things).
Beautiful physically and mentally (aww thanks!). Firm Standpoint (uh-huh).
Needs no motivation (oohh, is that my problem?). Shy towards opposite sex (Pfft! HARDLY!).
Easily consoled (ehh..). Systematic (left brain) (boy they missed that one-i'm 100% right brained lol). Loves to dream (yesss). Strong clairvoyance (weird how they knew that!). Understanding.
Sickness usually in the ear and neck (neck yes, head yes, stomach yes, ear? no). Good imagination (uh huh). Good physical (good physical what? lol). Weak breathing (asthma). Loves literature and the arts (kinda). Loves travelling (YES!). Dislike being at home (most of the time). Restless (for sure).
Hardworking (yup). High spirited (i like to think so!). -r.
so i was thinking...(from august 6th, 2007)
i was riding home from eating Sonny's bbq in charlotte yesterday (sunday) afternoon with my grandparents and little brother. We had been to Target and Dollar Tree and Harley had gotten some sunflower seeds from DT. We were just muching away, and suddenly i realized i only had 3 seeds left in my hand, so i reached for more. As i poured them out of the bag, a pretty good sized piece of WOOD fell out into my hand. It confused me, and begged me to ask the question OUT LOUD to the ENTIRE CAR-"WHERE DO SUNFLOWER SEEDS COME FROM?!!?" of course, i only made it about halfway thru the question before i realized i already knew the answer, but i was already too far gone and the entire car was dying with laughter! I was on my way to Ronnie's after we got home, and i saw a goat with his nose up against a tree, which now begs me to ask-"DO GOATS EAT TREE BARK??!!"
***JUST FOOD FOR THOUGHT***
~*~R~*~
***JUST FOOD FOR THOUGHT***
~*~R~*~
cure for college (from sept. 19, 2007)
Cure for College
I dare you to go to the park,
Get on a swing, and not smile.
Hear the "eee" of the squeaking chains,
The wind rustling the leaves,
The children's laughter,
And shouts of "mommy!"
I dare you not to smile.
Feel the sun shining warm on your face,
And the cool breeze tousling your hair;
I dare you not to smile.
Feel guilty because as an "adult"
You have "better" ways to spend your time,
But feel the sand in your toes,
The cool chain in your hands,
And know that for a moment,
All is right in the world;
I dare you not to smile.
Take time when bored, blue, or
About to burst into tears and
Go to the park just to swing,
And I dare you not to smile.
confessions of a 20-year old teenager (from april 28, 2008)
(disclaimer-it's probably the longest blog I've ever written!)
so...my birthday was amazing! i was totally not looking forward to turning 20, and i'm definately still in denial. for those of you who don't know, i have a pretty extreme obessession with odd numbers. and so far, i haven't come up with a reason for why being 20 is okay. i really don't like the number 20 b/c it's to round and nice and perfect...2 decades on this earth. yuck. and there's nothing exciting to do when you turn 20, so they should either invent something or eliminate the age. it sucks b/c you're no longer a teenager (which i very much loved), and it's the time when you're supposed to start acting a little more adult-like. i don't wanna grow up-i'm a Toys R Us kid! lol. i guess the only way i can really look forward to this year being 20 is that it is the beginning of a new decade in my life. your first decade is your childhood and a time for fun and vague memories of such things. your second decade, which i just completed is a time of remembering everything you possibly can and holding onto those memories. although i have come to some other conclusions...for one i decided that i am VERY happy to no longer be in high school and being held to those standards of who you are supposed to be to other people (the cool girl, the good girl, the hot girl, whatever!). I believe that in the 2 years since high school i have really begun to find who i want to be! the other thing is that i have now the chance to totally turn over a new leaf. Thinking back upon my teenage years, i can honestly say that i've been through and put myself through a lot! I think it might be time to come clean...and boy...this is going to be fun! First, when i was actually 12 (it continued when i was 13), i decided to rebel and go freaking crazy and meet this dude on the internet who was supposed to be only 17 or so. he thought i was either 14 or 15, i can't remember. but newayz...when i first met him, Lindsey Magdalene was with me and she told him i was really 13, and he said it was okay b/c he was really 19. which he wasn't even that i found out after the brief relationship (he was like, 24!) eww! but that was the one time i actually ever snuck out of my house was for him...i wrote about it in my diary like some kind of idiot and since Nana had suspected something was up, she read it and freaked! That was probably the worst time in my life as far as a personal mistake. I had the door to my room off the hinges for weeks and i completely destroyed my grandparents trust in me. and needless to say, the computer got moved to the living room. lol. that was all definately the "wild stage" for me.
At 14, I lost my daddy to a reaction of an accidental overdose of 2 anti-depression medications, that at the time were still under development. If you want to know more about that you can ask me. But I was sitting in World History when Dr. Morris came to the door and said "Randi Morrison? Is she in here? Hey Randi, if you could come to my office with me…you're not in trouble." I had that really weird gut feeling like I was one of those kids you see in the movies or on TV that get called out of class when a family member dies, but I just shook it off. She walked with me and we talked about my classes and grades and stuff, and I really just thought maybe she wanted to talk about my classes that I had just registered for. But then she told me that nana and papa were on their way up there b/c they thought something had happened in my family. Turns out in the end after lots of confusion, that Officer Baxter had to call in to find out what happened and it was confirmed that it was daddy. No one would tell me what happened and I just wanted to stay at school to be distracted, and to keep my perfect attendance. But Dr. Morris said she would let me have the day anyway and I had to go home. It was a bad day and I just stayed in my room. I don't remember much more than that. The next day, I went to my band competition, but the only thing I remember about the day was that I was on the bus. Everyone…family, friends, and just ppl who knew me were worried about me b/c I didn't cry or anything for about 3 or 4 days. I remember Chris Wright being there for some of it, but I remember that Lindsey never left my side except for us to go to school. She was there sleeping with me and just holding me waiting for me to cry. I was b/w her and chris when I finally did. I never dealt with the situation until last year really, when I went through many, many changes that my roommate and one of my best friends, Tiffany did not understand. I went through a lot of counseling (twice a week for almost 6 months), and I let go of a lot that happened with the whole situation. Not long after Daddy passed, I decided that I had to get involved with a church that I loved as much as he loved New Vision.
So I started at Southside and met Matthew my first day there. We started "going out" that day. Dating Matthew was a lot of fun, and the whole time was just FULL of drama (which at the time I liked lol). I remember that was the first time I felt different than all the other kids in the youth group, like what we did outside of church (cussing, lying, some of them smoking, cheating, and engaging in not-so-great promiscuity) was wrong. I still hung out with them, but I tried to stop cussing and lying. I never really smoked, but I tried to get them to stop doing it around me. Eventually I got tired of it all, and I met a great guy at school who went to our "sister church", Oak Grove BC. We talked a lot and we acted like for the longest time, that we hated each other b/c we didn't agree on ANYTHING. I still have all the notes we wrote back and forth in 10th grade. I started going to OGBC some b/c me and matthew were having problems, and then one night after youth, (like many times before), we went to the House of Pizza in Lincolnton. I sat across from Robbie I think, and beside Emily and Catie. When it was time to pay, Robbie and I were the first ones out, and when we were talking behind his jeep in the parking lot, he just kissed me. (I was still dating matthew at this time, lol). Jana was my ride home, and after she realized while talking to her love interest Ronnie (yes, my Ronnie!), that I wasn't around, they started looking for me. Robbie was kissing me at the exact moment when Jana decided to turn her headlights on us. I had never seen her so mad, nor have I since. I thought she was gonna kill one of us! I ran and tried to get in the Jeep with Robbie, but he was already leaving! Lol. To make a long story short, I had to confess to Matthew and a few weeks later I started dating Robbie! During the time I was dating Robbie was a confusing time with my friends. We were closer when we were around other people, b/c our youth group at OGBC was amazing and we had lots of fun times together. But as far as my relationship with Lindsey, it really started to slide away here. But Tiff and Em stuck with me b/c they were in the group. It was the best time in my life with that youth group, and a lot of drama happened, but it was amazing. I'm so sad that the group had split. Anyway, the next two years (16-18) were pretty much consumed by Robbie and that time of learning so much about life and how much it can suck. When we broke up the day after my senior prom, I thought I was going to die.
But I stuck it out and I ended up having the best summer in a LONG time! I hung out with Emily tons (we were both single after all), and Tiff hung with us a lot too, even though she was dating Brian at the time. I hung out with Robbie a few times just as friends, but it was hard, so I decided that I had to let go. We didn't talk for a long time, but now at the present time, I think it's refreshing to talk to him occasionally and hear about his new life. That was the summer before college, and it was a short one.
I never would have guessed that I would EVER talk to Ronnie Rombs. But when he emailed me to "ask how I was" after he heard about me and Robbie breaking up, we just started talking. Ronnie really kinda freaked me out at first, and I never thought anything would come of it b/c he was talking to someone else, and I was kinda interested in this guy at work. Neither of those worked out for us, and in the end I decided they would make a GREAT couple! Lol. My guy was a total flake, and she was well…I don't really know. I was warned to be wary of Ronnie, but I took my chances b/c by that point in life, I was just ready to party and didn't care what really happened. (I never got that chance tho lol). We talked for a while, and then finally after he had asked several times to be his girlfriend, I said yes on August 17, the day before I started at GWU. Honestly, at that point, I thought he would just be my rebound guy and we'd date a few months and I'd get over it. That is obviously not what happened! Lol. Let me go into my changes though that happened at Gardner-Webb. I roomed with Tiffany and her life was my life, her friends, my friends. It was pretty stifling.
Around October we were told that if we went to the depression screening they were having on campus, that we would get extra points in one of our classes. So I went and I thought I was fine, but it showed up that I scored high on the possibility of Bipolar Disorder. So they asked me to come to a counseling session, and I did. I was hooked. I had a grad student who was a mom, and she was great! She really worked with me and cared about my life and my progress. Poor Tiffany (and to this day, I don't think I've apologized, so I'm sorry tiff) didn't have a clue as to what was going on mostly b/c I didn't, but she knew I was dazed. The whole year there for me was like a trial run, and it felt a little like preschool. I went home every weekend and I clung tightly to things and people I had known forever when in reality I wanted to let go. That was when I got my second tattoo to really help me remember what would get me through everyday (love, FAITH, and peace in the symbols of a heart, cross and peace sign on my left inside ankle. Which was the ankle I broke before my junior prom). Honestly, that really helped me cope, and along with that reminder, me establishing my "color" to go into when I was upset, and a little bit of God and family, I made it through my counseling with great success! I really worked through a lot that had been subconsciously holding me back, and guess what? I'm not bipolar, I just have SAD-seasonal affective disorder, which I have a therapy light for. (google it. Hehe) After I was done with my counseling, I felt like a whole new person for the summer and decided I wanted to go somewhere that would allow me to make the changes I so desperately needed to make and escape the stereotype of who I had been for so long.
So this year I came to Appalachian State (still dating Ronnie!), and it has been amazing. I have learned so much about myself and really found out who I am and want to be! I learned that I can't stand to live with other people, so it wasn't just Tiffany lol. (we have since repaired our relationship to a status that is better than it ever has been, btw!) I don't get along well with messy/dirty people and ppl that party, so I'm looking forward to having my new roommates for next year in here! Lol. I've learned that I am my own person outside my family, but that there is no reason I can't talk to them EVERY DAY b/c I do! I call home everyday, and go home about every-other weekend. Ronnie comes up the weekends that I don't go home, and now that I've tasted a little bit of this "Adult" freedom, I don't know that I ever want to give it up, as much as it hurts to do so. It is really difficult to distance myself from my family by living here, and I have cried many nights missing them and wanting to just wake up at home. I have a baby-my little Chihuahua. Her name is Delyla, and she is mine and Ronnie's. We are "mommy and daddy" lol. I originally got her to keep me company, but due to roommate complications had to send her home to nana's. Delyla taught me a lot about myself also…I learned that I can handle poop to an extent, as well as throwing up and some of the things that a future child might throw at me! Haha. This year I have desperately longed to be around babies and to even have one of my own, but I know that I will be so much happier to know that feeling when I am married and in my career, so for now I live out my baby needs through my new roommate and my cousin (thanks JP and Katie!) lol.
As for me and my God? He has taught me so much about the person I am, and what he has in store for me. I have grown so much closer to Him and He is now a big part of mine and Ronnie's relationship. It was really scary to go through the changes of what God has called me to do, and it is daily, but I know that it is so worth it. Everything that I thought I wanted to be when I came here God changed and turned into something SOOO much better. Instead of coming here and just being here and going out occasionally and such, I came here and He got me involved with CCF and some people who have really invested so much in my life and spirituality. I can't even begin to name all the ones who have helped me grow so tremendously, but you know who you are so thank you all SO much! (and if you don't know if you have helped me, please write me and ask me how you have helped me! I would more than happy to share with you!) God has really worked through me and in me, and b/c of that I may have found some of the best friends of my life! It is rumored too that God has given me the man of my dreams as long as Ronnie and I keep God ever-present in our relationship and live by HIS rules. And last but not least, I know that God has made me closer to Tiffany Shuford and Emily Nantz than ever before and he has really flip-flopped a lot of things for us! But we just have to have faith, right girls? :-D And as for Lindsey Magdalene? God is still working on repairing or disassembling that relationship, whichever it is that He is trying to do. I am unsure of that at this point. We have grown apart and changed so much, yet at the same time, I know that we have a past and a love for each other that surpasses all understanding. We will know with time. My point is, I have gone through a lot in the decade I just lived, and somehow I survived. I was a hellion, a biotch, a lover, a fighter, a crazy person; I was a teenager. Now that I am 20, I can look back and realize this-that I have a whole new life ahead of me…not one that is free from pain or craziness or even hellionness (lol), but one that is new and fresh, and one to look forward to. In the next decade, I get a new life…I get to (God willing), graduate college, marry my sweetheart, start my career as a social worker, have babies of my own, and watch my little brother go through his crazy stages (and I PRAY that I will have the strength and sense from God to get him through it as pain-free as possible). I get to buy a house, pass along my toys and teddies, and drive a mom-mobile (which will prolly end up being my Ford Escape lol). And as much as this is exciting, I will always remember my daddy and I will teach my children about what an amazing Papa they would have had. I get to give my grandparents great-grandchildren (firsts for Nana and Papa!), and I get to grow closer to my family and get to know them from a perspective where they are no longer "taking care of me" but are my friends and loved ones, and those that I can lean on when things are tough. There are things I know that I have left out, but you're tired of reading now anyway, so I'll end with this…I have a great life! And I will…I'm determined.
so...my birthday was amazing! i was totally not looking forward to turning 20, and i'm definately still in denial. for those of you who don't know, i have a pretty extreme obessession with odd numbers. and so far, i haven't come up with a reason for why being 20 is okay. i really don't like the number 20 b/c it's to round and nice and perfect...2 decades on this earth. yuck. and there's nothing exciting to do when you turn 20, so they should either invent something or eliminate the age. it sucks b/c you're no longer a teenager (which i very much loved), and it's the time when you're supposed to start acting a little more adult-like. i don't wanna grow up-i'm a Toys R Us kid! lol. i guess the only way i can really look forward to this year being 20 is that it is the beginning of a new decade in my life. your first decade is your childhood and a time for fun and vague memories of such things. your second decade, which i just completed is a time of remembering everything you possibly can and holding onto those memories. although i have come to some other conclusions...for one i decided that i am VERY happy to no longer be in high school and being held to those standards of who you are supposed to be to other people (the cool girl, the good girl, the hot girl, whatever!). I believe that in the 2 years since high school i have really begun to find who i want to be! the other thing is that i have now the chance to totally turn over a new leaf. Thinking back upon my teenage years, i can honestly say that i've been through and put myself through a lot! I think it might be time to come clean...and boy...this is going to be fun! First, when i was actually 12 (it continued when i was 13), i decided to rebel and go freaking crazy and meet this dude on the internet who was supposed to be only 17 or so. he thought i was either 14 or 15, i can't remember. but newayz...when i first met him, Lindsey Magdalene was with me and she told him i was really 13, and he said it was okay b/c he was really 19. which he wasn't even that i found out after the brief relationship (he was like, 24!) eww! but that was the one time i actually ever snuck out of my house was for him...i wrote about it in my diary like some kind of idiot and since Nana had suspected something was up, she read it and freaked! That was probably the worst time in my life as far as a personal mistake. I had the door to my room off the hinges for weeks and i completely destroyed my grandparents trust in me. and needless to say, the computer got moved to the living room. lol. that was all definately the "wild stage" for me.
At 14, I lost my daddy to a reaction of an accidental overdose of 2 anti-depression medications, that at the time were still under development. If you want to know more about that you can ask me. But I was sitting in World History when Dr. Morris came to the door and said "Randi Morrison? Is she in here? Hey Randi, if you could come to my office with me…you're not in trouble." I had that really weird gut feeling like I was one of those kids you see in the movies or on TV that get called out of class when a family member dies, but I just shook it off. She walked with me and we talked about my classes and grades and stuff, and I really just thought maybe she wanted to talk about my classes that I had just registered for. But then she told me that nana and papa were on their way up there b/c they thought something had happened in my family. Turns out in the end after lots of confusion, that Officer Baxter had to call in to find out what happened and it was confirmed that it was daddy. No one would tell me what happened and I just wanted to stay at school to be distracted, and to keep my perfect attendance. But Dr. Morris said she would let me have the day anyway and I had to go home. It was a bad day and I just stayed in my room. I don't remember much more than that. The next day, I went to my band competition, but the only thing I remember about the day was that I was on the bus. Everyone…family, friends, and just ppl who knew me were worried about me b/c I didn't cry or anything for about 3 or 4 days. I remember Chris Wright being there for some of it, but I remember that Lindsey never left my side except for us to go to school. She was there sleeping with me and just holding me waiting for me to cry. I was b/w her and chris when I finally did. I never dealt with the situation until last year really, when I went through many, many changes that my roommate and one of my best friends, Tiffany did not understand. I went through a lot of counseling (twice a week for almost 6 months), and I let go of a lot that happened with the whole situation. Not long after Daddy passed, I decided that I had to get involved with a church that I loved as much as he loved New Vision.
So I started at Southside and met Matthew my first day there. We started "going out" that day. Dating Matthew was a lot of fun, and the whole time was just FULL of drama (which at the time I liked lol). I remember that was the first time I felt different than all the other kids in the youth group, like what we did outside of church (cussing, lying, some of them smoking, cheating, and engaging in not-so-great promiscuity) was wrong. I still hung out with them, but I tried to stop cussing and lying. I never really smoked, but I tried to get them to stop doing it around me. Eventually I got tired of it all, and I met a great guy at school who went to our "sister church", Oak Grove BC. We talked a lot and we acted like for the longest time, that we hated each other b/c we didn't agree on ANYTHING. I still have all the notes we wrote back and forth in 10th grade. I started going to OGBC some b/c me and matthew were having problems, and then one night after youth, (like many times before), we went to the House of Pizza in Lincolnton. I sat across from Robbie I think, and beside Emily and Catie. When it was time to pay, Robbie and I were the first ones out, and when we were talking behind his jeep in the parking lot, he just kissed me. (I was still dating matthew at this time, lol). Jana was my ride home, and after she realized while talking to her love interest Ronnie (yes, my Ronnie!), that I wasn't around, they started looking for me. Robbie was kissing me at the exact moment when Jana decided to turn her headlights on us. I had never seen her so mad, nor have I since. I thought she was gonna kill one of us! I ran and tried to get in the Jeep with Robbie, but he was already leaving! Lol. To make a long story short, I had to confess to Matthew and a few weeks later I started dating Robbie! During the time I was dating Robbie was a confusing time with my friends. We were closer when we were around other people, b/c our youth group at OGBC was amazing and we had lots of fun times together. But as far as my relationship with Lindsey, it really started to slide away here. But Tiff and Em stuck with me b/c they were in the group. It was the best time in my life with that youth group, and a lot of drama happened, but it was amazing. I'm so sad that the group had split. Anyway, the next two years (16-18) were pretty much consumed by Robbie and that time of learning so much about life and how much it can suck. When we broke up the day after my senior prom, I thought I was going to die.
But I stuck it out and I ended up having the best summer in a LONG time! I hung out with Emily tons (we were both single after all), and Tiff hung with us a lot too, even though she was dating Brian at the time. I hung out with Robbie a few times just as friends, but it was hard, so I decided that I had to let go. We didn't talk for a long time, but now at the present time, I think it's refreshing to talk to him occasionally and hear about his new life. That was the summer before college, and it was a short one.
I never would have guessed that I would EVER talk to Ronnie Rombs. But when he emailed me to "ask how I was" after he heard about me and Robbie breaking up, we just started talking. Ronnie really kinda freaked me out at first, and I never thought anything would come of it b/c he was talking to someone else, and I was kinda interested in this guy at work. Neither of those worked out for us, and in the end I decided they would make a GREAT couple! Lol. My guy was a total flake, and she was well…I don't really know. I was warned to be wary of Ronnie, but I took my chances b/c by that point in life, I was just ready to party and didn't care what really happened. (I never got that chance tho lol). We talked for a while, and then finally after he had asked several times to be his girlfriend, I said yes on August 17, the day before I started at GWU. Honestly, at that point, I thought he would just be my rebound guy and we'd date a few months and I'd get over it. That is obviously not what happened! Lol. Let me go into my changes though that happened at Gardner-Webb. I roomed with Tiffany and her life was my life, her friends, my friends. It was pretty stifling.
Around October we were told that if we went to the depression screening they were having on campus, that we would get extra points in one of our classes. So I went and I thought I was fine, but it showed up that I scored high on the possibility of Bipolar Disorder. So they asked me to come to a counseling session, and I did. I was hooked. I had a grad student who was a mom, and she was great! She really worked with me and cared about my life and my progress. Poor Tiffany (and to this day, I don't think I've apologized, so I'm sorry tiff) didn't have a clue as to what was going on mostly b/c I didn't, but she knew I was dazed. The whole year there for me was like a trial run, and it felt a little like preschool. I went home every weekend and I clung tightly to things and people I had known forever when in reality I wanted to let go. That was when I got my second tattoo to really help me remember what would get me through everyday (love, FAITH, and peace in the symbols of a heart, cross and peace sign on my left inside ankle. Which was the ankle I broke before my junior prom). Honestly, that really helped me cope, and along with that reminder, me establishing my "color" to go into when I was upset, and a little bit of God and family, I made it through my counseling with great success! I really worked through a lot that had been subconsciously holding me back, and guess what? I'm not bipolar, I just have SAD-seasonal affective disorder, which I have a therapy light for. (google it. Hehe) After I was done with my counseling, I felt like a whole new person for the summer and decided I wanted to go somewhere that would allow me to make the changes I so desperately needed to make and escape the stereotype of who I had been for so long.
So this year I came to Appalachian State (still dating Ronnie!), and it has been amazing. I have learned so much about myself and really found out who I am and want to be! I learned that I can't stand to live with other people, so it wasn't just Tiffany lol. (we have since repaired our relationship to a status that is better than it ever has been, btw!) I don't get along well with messy/dirty people and ppl that party, so I'm looking forward to having my new roommates for next year in here! Lol. I've learned that I am my own person outside my family, but that there is no reason I can't talk to them EVERY DAY b/c I do! I call home everyday, and go home about every-other weekend. Ronnie comes up the weekends that I don't go home, and now that I've tasted a little bit of this "Adult" freedom, I don't know that I ever want to give it up, as much as it hurts to do so. It is really difficult to distance myself from my family by living here, and I have cried many nights missing them and wanting to just wake up at home. I have a baby-my little Chihuahua. Her name is Delyla, and she is mine and Ronnie's. We are "mommy and daddy" lol. I originally got her to keep me company, but due to roommate complications had to send her home to nana's. Delyla taught me a lot about myself also…I learned that I can handle poop to an extent, as well as throwing up and some of the things that a future child might throw at me! Haha. This year I have desperately longed to be around babies and to even have one of my own, but I know that I will be so much happier to know that feeling when I am married and in my career, so for now I live out my baby needs through my new roommate and my cousin (thanks JP and Katie!) lol.
As for me and my God? He has taught me so much about the person I am, and what he has in store for me. I have grown so much closer to Him and He is now a big part of mine and Ronnie's relationship. It was really scary to go through the changes of what God has called me to do, and it is daily, but I know that it is so worth it. Everything that I thought I wanted to be when I came here God changed and turned into something SOOO much better. Instead of coming here and just being here and going out occasionally and such, I came here and He got me involved with CCF and some people who have really invested so much in my life and spirituality. I can't even begin to name all the ones who have helped me grow so tremendously, but you know who you are so thank you all SO much! (and if you don't know if you have helped me, please write me and ask me how you have helped me! I would more than happy to share with you!) God has really worked through me and in me, and b/c of that I may have found some of the best friends of my life! It is rumored too that God has given me the man of my dreams as long as Ronnie and I keep God ever-present in our relationship and live by HIS rules. And last but not least, I know that God has made me closer to Tiffany Shuford and Emily Nantz than ever before and he has really flip-flopped a lot of things for us! But we just have to have faith, right girls? :-D And as for Lindsey Magdalene? God is still working on repairing or disassembling that relationship, whichever it is that He is trying to do. I am unsure of that at this point. We have grown apart and changed so much, yet at the same time, I know that we have a past and a love for each other that surpasses all understanding. We will know with time. My point is, I have gone through a lot in the decade I just lived, and somehow I survived. I was a hellion, a biotch, a lover, a fighter, a crazy person; I was a teenager. Now that I am 20, I can look back and realize this-that I have a whole new life ahead of me…not one that is free from pain or craziness or even hellionness (lol), but one that is new and fresh, and one to look forward to. In the next decade, I get a new life…I get to (God willing), graduate college, marry my sweetheart, start my career as a social worker, have babies of my own, and watch my little brother go through his crazy stages (and I PRAY that I will have the strength and sense from God to get him through it as pain-free as possible). I get to buy a house, pass along my toys and teddies, and drive a mom-mobile (which will prolly end up being my Ford Escape lol). And as much as this is exciting, I will always remember my daddy and I will teach my children about what an amazing Papa they would have had. I get to give my grandparents great-grandchildren (firsts for Nana and Papa!), and I get to grow closer to my family and get to know them from a perspective where they are no longer "taking care of me" but are my friends and loved ones, and those that I can lean on when things are tough. There are things I know that I have left out, but you're tired of reading now anyway, so I'll end with this…I have a great life! And I will…I'm determined.
a simple re-revelation (from Jan. 16, 2009)
There's an old song that most of us heard growing up in Sunday School. In fact, i was so young the last time i heard it that i almost didn't recognize it when i heard pieces of it in Casting Crowns new song "Slow Fade." Just read the lyrics...
O be careful little eyes what you see
O be careful little eyes what you see
There's a Father up above
And He's looking down in love
O be careful little eyes what you see
now...the song continues on the same way with different lyrics...
O be careful little ears what you hear...
O be careful little hands what you do...
O be careful little feet where you go...
O be careful little mouth what you say...
So...i started to tell you to replace all those "little's" with the word "big," but then i changed my mind. I think that in the perspective of all that is greater than us, even those who have a size 14 shoe and hands (or mouths) the size of plates, still have little feet, hands and mouths. Well, where's she going with this? I am going to solve the problems of the US with these words! (well, maybe.)
If we truly cared what our little eyes saw, our TV shows wouldn't have to be rated. They wouldn't have to be turned when kids came in the room, or flicked because a scene gets too heated. It's embarrassing some of the things on TV today! If we cared what our little eyes saw, we wouldn't watch people get blown up in movies, or tortured, because those images stay with us (i'm thinking about when i watched THE HITCHER and that guy got pulled apart).
If we cared what our little ears heard, we wouldn't hear the lies of the American Public and the American government...we simply would not tolerate it. If we cared, we wouldn't listen to songs about having sex with "the little cutie in the corner" or whatever.
If we cared what our little hands did, there would not be so much evil in the world. we let our little hands sit idle...and we all know that old proverb: "the Devil finds things for idle hands to do." If we cared what our little hands did, there would be less families broken apart by parents focusing too much on work, or worse yet...those parents or spouses who have idle hands and roaming eyes and end up destroying a marriage with porn.
If we cared where our little feet went, we wouldn't be "in the wrong place at the wrong time" and end up getting convicted of a crime. if we cared where our little feet went, we would be going more places instead of propping them up on the ottoman and fattening ourselves to death.
If we cared what our little mouths said...oh what a world that would be. if we just placed a filter on it and listened to what we had to say, we would truly see the extent of the useless and often hurtful babble that pours from our "little lips." If we cared what our little mouths said, politicians wouldn't lie, and the world would be much better for the whole of it.
BUT...IF WE CARE what our little eyes see, our little ears hear, our little hands do, our little feet go, and our little mouths say...
we could create a glorious nation that would be blessed by God everyday. we could use our little eyes to see God's vision and his glory...we could use our little ears to hear those who have so much to teach us. we could use our little hands to help those less fortunate. our little feet could go...anywhere! just GO! for the purpose of God...our little feet could become God's big foot. and oh our little mouths...our little mouths...hmm. we could say to those who do not know "I know a God who can save you from your suffering and give you new life." We could nurture each other and love as we are made to do.
it's amazing how one little song could change such a huge part of America and our society. even if I personally had just listened to this song all along, i would be in a much better place than i am even now! if we could all just take the advice of this song and shade our eyes, protect our ears, use our hands and feet, and hear and say what is truly important, we would all be better for it. And did you notice that the song doesn't say "There's a Father up above looking to squash you like a bug?!" NO! it says "There's a Father up above And He's looking down WITH LOVE." He does not DEMAND that we protect ourselves or make Him protect us in the ways mentioned...He asks us to do these things because He loves us and we love Him.
And that's my 2 cents. :-) night all. -r
O be careful little eyes what you see
O be careful little eyes what you see
There's a Father up above
And He's looking down in love
O be careful little eyes what you see
now...the song continues on the same way with different lyrics...
O be careful little ears what you hear...
O be careful little hands what you do...
O be careful little feet where you go...
O be careful little mouth what you say...
So...i started to tell you to replace all those "little's" with the word "big," but then i changed my mind. I think that in the perspective of all that is greater than us, even those who have a size 14 shoe and hands (or mouths) the size of plates, still have little feet, hands and mouths. Well, where's she going with this? I am going to solve the problems of the US with these words! (well, maybe.)
If we truly cared what our little eyes saw, our TV shows wouldn't have to be rated. They wouldn't have to be turned when kids came in the room, or flicked because a scene gets too heated. It's embarrassing some of the things on TV today! If we cared what our little eyes saw, we wouldn't watch people get blown up in movies, or tortured, because those images stay with us (i'm thinking about when i watched THE HITCHER and that guy got pulled apart).
If we cared what our little ears heard, we wouldn't hear the lies of the American Public and the American government...we simply would not tolerate it. If we cared, we wouldn't listen to songs about having sex with "the little cutie in the corner" or whatever.
If we cared what our little hands did, there would not be so much evil in the world. we let our little hands sit idle...and we all know that old proverb: "the Devil finds things for idle hands to do." If we cared what our little hands did, there would be less families broken apart by parents focusing too much on work, or worse yet...those parents or spouses who have idle hands and roaming eyes and end up destroying a marriage with porn.
If we cared where our little feet went, we wouldn't be "in the wrong place at the wrong time" and end up getting convicted of a crime. if we cared where our little feet went, we would be going more places instead of propping them up on the ottoman and fattening ourselves to death.
If we cared what our little mouths said...oh what a world that would be. if we just placed a filter on it and listened to what we had to say, we would truly see the extent of the useless and often hurtful babble that pours from our "little lips." If we cared what our little mouths said, politicians wouldn't lie, and the world would be much better for the whole of it.
BUT...IF WE CARE what our little eyes see, our little ears hear, our little hands do, our little feet go, and our little mouths say...
we could create a glorious nation that would be blessed by God everyday. we could use our little eyes to see God's vision and his glory...we could use our little ears to hear those who have so much to teach us. we could use our little hands to help those less fortunate. our little feet could go...anywhere! just GO! for the purpose of God...our little feet could become God's big foot. and oh our little mouths...our little mouths...hmm. we could say to those who do not know "I know a God who can save you from your suffering and give you new life." We could nurture each other and love as we are made to do.
it's amazing how one little song could change such a huge part of America and our society. even if I personally had just listened to this song all along, i would be in a much better place than i am even now! if we could all just take the advice of this song and shade our eyes, protect our ears, use our hands and feet, and hear and say what is truly important, we would all be better for it. And did you notice that the song doesn't say "There's a Father up above looking to squash you like a bug?!" NO! it says "There's a Father up above And He's looking down WITH LOVE." He does not DEMAND that we protect ourselves or make Him protect us in the ways mentioned...He asks us to do these things because He loves us and we love Him.
And that's my 2 cents. :-) night all. -r
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