...a long time indeed. But recently I have begun to feel inspiration again. I feel as though I (and you!) have missed out on much of my life because I was uninspired to blog. Writing is so therapeutic to me, I don't know why I can't just admit that and write as much as I need to!
I thank Ms. Linda Wentz for inspiring me to write again tonight, reminding me that words can be beautiful and can certainly serve literally, as a window to someone's soul. I have always valued myself as an "adult" as someone who is transparent and one who wears their heart on their sleeve. However, this has not been my case since I stopped blogging because things got difficult and troubled. Back in March, I was preparing to go to South Africa (in May). I was having a difficult time securing funds, but most of all I was struggling with listening to God. I thought well, here we are...I'm doing what you wanted, so now what?! And then I just stopped listening. We went to South Africa (fellow CCFers and I), and it was an amazing, life-changing experience. I learned a lot about myself, and honestly I think it scared me to death. I got scared during and after South Africa. I believe this was caused by knowing that I was in the right place. Even though I was struggling as I was, esp. with food and homesickness, God had me right where He wanted me. And if His goal was to EVER make me uncomfortable...boy, did He ever succeed! It scared me to know that what he wanted made me so uncomfortable with my more human self. Spiritually it was a struggle also, but a necessary and profitable one. I learned to keep my eyes open more, especially for those things "unseen", but somehow I shut my ears off. I have been blinded by God's beauty ever since then, and I have been digging for things visually that sometimes are not there. I have poured myself into photography and pondering what those "things unseen" are, but have closed myself off to what God has to tell me.
This all comes after a meeting with Marianna Musser. So strange to see that the first strong woman figure God put in my life way back in Kindergarten has inspired me to write about experiences with one of the other strong women figures God has placed in my life as a college student. See, I never would admit my problem until I met with Marianna b/c honestly I just refused to stop and think long enough about it. What I realized is this: 1. SA scared the living daylights out of me, and with all that is possibly coming up in my life, the last thing I need is to fear what God has in store for me...2. I have become the opposite of all that I have strived to be since sophomore year of college. I have become proud. I am proud b/c I'm better than those ppl we were helping in SA no matter how much I try to tell myself I am not (b/c financially, etc. this is a fact), and I am better than those ppl I try to help everyday at CPS ...but in reality, this is not the case. I am only human, created by God for his purposes. When I think about who I am on my own without the support of my family, I am really only a few hundred (like 200) dollars from being in some of the same situations as those in SA...homeless, hungry, and in desperate need. I am only one child and one tantrum away from being a CPS case...losing control one time and leaving a mark on my [future] child. I have been a child of the DSS system! I have had Medicaid, my mom receives food stamps, etc. I am NO BETTER than anyone. But the most amazing thing I am learning? God loves me anyway.
He loves me and all those poor, mean people. He is willing to forgive me and take me back under his wing, love me and mentor me. I will once again embark on this path to humbleness, and plan to do so with full force. I will grow past that childish feeling of having to earn forgiveness from God, because grace is not earned, it is freely given. Each day is a new day full of new promises and new offers of grace and forgiveness from God...and once I re-learn these basic principals, life will only get better again. The only place to go from here is up! Life is good, but it can be better :)
Praise God, love and trust Him people...you're about to begin reading about my journey in doing so...
-r.
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