i should be going home

As it says, i should be on my way home right now. i wanted to be out of boone by 10:30a, but it's 10a and i just woke up (haha). i have been feeling "off" lately, for lack of a better word. i barely slept wed. night at all and then i slept eight hours last night. but that's not what i meant when i said "off." it is somewhat hard to explain, but i have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). The Mayo Clinic lists the symptoms as:

• Depression
• Hopelessness
• Anxiety
• Loss of energy
• Social withdrawal
• Oversleeping
• Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed
• Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates
• Weight gain
• Difficulty concentrating and processing information

i've known since freshman year of college when i went through counseling that i have SAD and even bought a therapy light that helps me when i sit under it. the problem with that is...it's on my desk, and my desk is piled over with too much stuff to even use it :-( i have experienced ALL of the above symptoms this winter (particularly within the last three weeks). i have also experienced minor periods of mania, which is often associated with Bipolar Disorder. i'm not self-diagnosing here, because i know through research that in beginning stages of therapy, SAD often presents as Bipolar.

i'm not saying this to complain, but to explain to anyone who may have been wondering what is wrong with me, as well as to let others know that this is a very real condition. i need someone to know besides Ronnie, because he's been getting the brunt of it all...he's seen the times when i'm really down on myself and the times i could talk his ear off all night. i hope this coming to week to hit one of my little cleaning sprees and clear off that desk and clean this room (b/c it looks like a tornado hit!) lol. I will let you know what comes of this.

On a happier note, i have learned that in order to trust someone, you must be humble. i am a server-i have always known this, but in order to serve, you must be humble. in order to truly love others, you must be humble. in order to have a relationship with God, you must be humble. I am prideful. while i don't walk around boasting about myself and how awesome i am (b/c i am most def. not), i realize that i have hardened my heart just enough that the shell around it is nothing but pride. i haven't allowed God to break me down, i haven't allowed Ronnie to start trying to build up our relationship again, and i haven't had that heart of service i long so desperately for. i have built up walls just thick enough to keep emotion out. i cry for sad movies or songs, but for a couple of months now, i haven't felt true emotion for longer than a day at a time. i have been really happy a few times and had a few awesome days, but for the most part, i feel like i've been in a daze. pray that God breaks down these walls because what drives me crazy is that i know there's nothing to them! they're as thin as plywood-even the walls to world! but i am hopeful, and i believe Him when God says His mercies are new each morning and there is hope in my future.

-r.