before bed

Tonight I just feel like I should write. I don't really have too much to say, but I am feeling all clogged up in my head. Like there are a bunch of thoughts up there that want to get out but can't find the escape route. I am currently listening to a page I found on stumbleupon.com called "songs to lie on your bed and stair at the ceiling to", and I like it. I think it is stimulating my creative/philosophical brain. lol.

Have you ever felt like you are coming so close to something that you just want to turn around and run the hell away from it?! cuz I'm kinda feelin' like that towards graduation. This semester is going to be so hard, although not impossible, and I just want to turn around and run in the opposite direction. Like, go get a job at Autobell again or something stupid. There is just soooo much to do before I am ready for the 'real world'.


If I had it my way, I would just capture Ronnie and we would lay on the bed with my head on his shoulder until the end of time. It just seems like all is right with the world when he holds me. I know that's cliche, but it's true. I just lay on his shoulder and breathe. I breathe in the smell of his aftershave or cologne, close my eyes, and know that life will never be more simple than it is in that moment. And then he kisses me on the forehead. I long for that every single day. Daddy used to do that a lot...kiss me on the forehead. I think it's such a sign of affection. **sigh** I just don't even want to wait anymore. But the little kid in me still wants that big wedding and to "live happily ever after" once the wedding day is over. hahaha. I know that's not how it works, but I like the idea anyway. Maybe we can be an exception.

And you know what makes me madder than a wet hornet?! when people stick their dayum noses where they don't belong!!! how dare you stick your nose where it don't belong?! I know this is bold and totally not directed at anyone you know, but omg. I have never been so offended in my life as I was earlier today. Chelsea literally had to remind me breathe b/c I was laughing like a mad woman with hysteria and was the color of the garnet bathroom door. haha! comical now. so glad that's over, but don't think I'll be forgetting that incident any time soon! Forgive the poor person? sure. b/c I am pretty sure they were put up to it. Forgive the person who I think set them up? well, that might take a while. ugh. I AM HAPPY WITH MY FIANCE. I PLAN TO BE WITH HIM AS LONG AS WE BOTH LIVE. I TRULY BELIEVE GOD BROUGHT US TOGETHER, AND WHAT'S THAT VERSE IN THE VOWS? "What therefore GOD hath joined together, let NO MAN put asunder". YEAH, WE'RE GETTING THERE. thanks :D

so that's it for tonight I suppose. Gonna go write in my journal and pass out. always, -r.

I have a blog?!

<--A pretty recent shot of me and the Ronnie :)

A blog? LOL. I had totally forgotten! Well, not totally. I think about it from time to time and then it just goes away. But tonight I started a new blog-one about losing weight to feel better. I won't give you the address to it right now b/c I am not sure if I can stick with it. So for now, Ronnie is the only privileged one to have access to it. lol.

Anyway, I was glancing back over some of these entries and realized something. In comparison to all that you see here, I feel like I have lost a lot of the zest in my life. Now the everyday is just everyday and nothing is like "wow, that's awesome". I feel like I'm just trudging my way through trying to make it to the other side of this thing called grad school. As you can see, that previous entry has been my only one since I started this ridiculousness. I am far too busy to do much else. However, there has been something to replace my blogging-oh no, I could never stop writing for that long.

You see, every night before I go to bed now (with the exception of a few nights where I zonk out unexpectedly or work up to the point of exhaustion), I write in a journal to Ronnie. The poor guy reads all of my random thoughts that I had throughout the day, whether he already heard a ten minute rant on it or not! lol. It really helps me to clear my mind, and some of the things are just much to mundane or irate to post on a blog. See, I am really kind of boring. And I tend to get irritated rather quickly here lately. The thing is, I get all riled up and then it's over. I get it out and then I can breathe again. I know it makes ppl crazy that I get all up in arms and the normal response is "calm down, just breathe, the world is not ending" to which I respond ever so politely "you think I'm an idiot?! I know the world isn't going to end!! I just need to get this off my chest! Now shut up and listen...". HAHA then I tell them (usually him [Ronnie]) and it's over. No point in carrying it on or drawing it out. It doesn't do anyone any good. I'm not crazy.

So anyway, if you're looking for an update, I don't really have much to give you. Grad school is really hard, but at least at this point I know that failing/quitting is not an option. I am already $40,000 in debt and there's no turning back now! ha! yeah, I don't even wanna think about it. I don't even wanna know the total of my student loans!! ugghh...makes my head spin just think about it. okay, that's over.

Ronnie and I are still planning on April 2012. April 21, 2012 to be more specific. But it's not set in stone, and we may run off before then. However this is not very likely b/c I really beginning to like the idea of a 'real' wedding. Oh, Emily Nantz, one of the other three musketeers is engaged and getting married August 14th! I guess that's a big deal! lol. And Tiff-single as ever (smart girl). But I hear she's got some things in the works *wink wink*. As for my Lindsey-well, we're both waiting on me to get done with school to figure out how the rest of our life together will go. haha. We are literally going to have to get to know one another all over again.

So yeah, this is a long one and I have a ton more that I could say, but honestly my hands are cold and they are starting to hurt so imma give up for the night.

g'night! -r.

it has been entirely too long...

...since we have spoken! Sadly I tend to forget that I even have a blog and often post my thoughts on facebook. I just really like the idea of having something all my own away from everything else. So tonight's entry will be short...perhaps an itemized list of major events? HA-that'll be a humorous attempt!
-graduated from ASU, so I am now "Randi S. Morrison, BSW"
-started graduate school at USC in Columbia, SC to become "Randi S. Morrison, MSW"
-postponed my wedding until April 2012 (see facebook)
-fell even more in love with my sweet fiance, Ronnie :D
-grown to appreciate my family even more than I ever have
-currently: stressed, wanting a new tattoo more than I can stand it, hot b/c my chihuahuas are like personal heaters, and sleepy. and umm...waiting on Ronnie to get off work, lol.

So yeah that's like, the worst blog EVER, but I'll get it back in shape soon perhaps...HA...we shall see!

-r.

back for another night

of blogging. I am so excited to write now! Don't ask me why, but we'll call it divine inspiration. I am totally exhausted and have been all day, but God made me to go CCF tonight. I think I got my answer too, btw. God has been keeping me away to prepare my heart for tonight. He knew that if I had gone, my head would still be completely jumbled and I wouldn't have been as hungry for his words and as thirsty for his songs. Before tonight I was literally famished. And on the way out of my apartment complex, it started snowing. The frightened human inside me said "turn around, go home", but God said "you're on your way...you'll get home after". And guess what? He kept it a mist the entire two hours and I got home safely.

Tonight God told me to stop talking, running, jabbering, whining, etc. and just listen. The words are "have a tender heart and a sensitive ear". That came to me, I guess from Him. The speaker was a guest speaker from UNCC CCF and he was enthusiastic...it was so refreshing to have someone new (even though I haven't been in regular attendance recently). He spoke about how God said all He needs is a mustard seed to grow a tree taller than all the other plants in the garden. This tree provides rest and refuge for birds of the air (Matthew 13). This is me. I truly only have a mustard seed (look this up to see how small it is-about 1mm in diameter) of faith left in me because the devil has literally scared my faith out of me. But yet, knowing that I at least have a mustard seed of faith is enough because I know that God will grow me into a tall tree where his birds, his people, can come and seek refuge. They will come to me and know that I am a safe haven, a listening ear, a comforter, and a person to pray for them...but only if I let God work.

Something else the speaker talked about was the analogy of Jesus feeding the hungry. Going to the famous parable where Jesus fed 5000 men plus women and children with only 5 loaves and 2 fishes, it states there in Matthew 14 that Jesus "Blesses it (Hebrew also translates "to bless" as "to choose"), Breaks it, and Gives it. Then again two other times in Matthew, the analogy is used that break is Blessed, Broken, and Given. It is important to realize that God chooses and blesses the bread because it is what He requires. God then breaks the bread into pieces, sometimes hundreds, sometimes thousands. What is significant about the breaking of the bread is that God does not simply 'poke' or 'injure' the bread, but He breaks it completely apart. Tying into all the significance we see that God the bread away. Jesus doesn't sell the bread or throw it into the masses for people to fight over, he givesgives it to each person. Meaning that He also chooses to whom the bread will be given.

The importance of the breaking of bread is an analogy to us and what God will do to/with us if we only allow Him. Jesus chooses us. The Holy Spirit chooses us to live in and us to do His will. Then if we submit even a mustard seed of faith, God will break us. He will shatter some plan, hope, or dream...or perhaps even something that is tangible that we have already built up for ourselves. But don't worry because even though it may hurt at the time and feel as if your whole world is crumbling around you, God will restore and rebuild, and the "glory of the latter church shall be greater than the former". Which means that even though He may break us into 1000 or 15,000 little pieces, He has a plan and He will put it all back together perfectly. After He has started restoring the brokenness with healing (His work on us is never finished), Jesus gives us to others. Jesus keeps only our hearts for himself. Not in a selfish way, but as a way to protect us. We are chosen to be broken and given to others. Perhaps this is the whole meaning of life. We are made to give. We give love, words, kindness, comfort, sympathy, joy, and sometimes even goofy looks to people. We give little bits of ourselves to everyone we come in contact with. The man who walked out his way yesterday to open a door for me got my smile, the client in the conference room today got my joy of playing with play-dough, my friends tonight got my hug. Everyone gets something-we are made to give and be given. When a family gives a bride to her husband, she is given from one caring family to another; her own. The bride is not to be sold or auctioned, but out of love, she is given. Out of love we are given to Christ as a bride as He awaits patiently to be our bridegroom. He is also our wonderful Father, Abba. The one who will give us to himself. Traditionally a father gives his daughter to the groom. In God's case, he merely gives us to himself (which I know, seems redundant, but it makes sense). You see, He wants all of our love in every possible way we can give it. He wants to be part of our innermost workings and thoughts; He knows our desires and longs to fulfill them if they are His plan.

So what I realized tonight is that I have the faith of mustard seed, and though it is so incredibly tiny...it is enough for God to take, grow, and make into something amazing and beautiful. Pray that I have sweet dreams, for lately I have been thinking of my daddy a lot. I have had dreams that he is still alive and is merely being kept from me and these are terrors to me because I know that he is safe in Heaven with his Creator. He is never held back from me and to reach him all I have to do is pray for God to pass the word along. Pray for me also that this mustard seed faith will grow. I cannot move myself, much less a marriage along with only a mustard seed-I'll need at least a watermelon for God to roll me out of complacency and a jumbo pumpkin to move both Ronnie and me. But He is faithful to us and He believes in us when even we do not.

-r.
(ps...not that it matters, but blogger's time is messed up so this was not published at 7:57pm, it was published at 11:57 pm)

it's been a long time, old friend...

...a long time indeed. But recently I have begun to feel inspiration again. I feel as though I (and you!) have missed out on much of my life because I was uninspired to blog. Writing is so therapeutic to me, I don't know why I can't just admit that and write as much as I need to!

I thank Ms. Linda Wentz for inspiring me to write again tonight, reminding me that words can be beautiful and can certainly serve literally, as a window to someone's soul. I have always valued myself as an "adult" as someone who is transparent and one who wears their heart on their sleeve. However, this has not been my case since I stopped blogging because things got difficult and troubled. Back in March, I was preparing to go to South Africa (in May). I was having a difficult time securing funds, but most of all I was struggling with listening to God. I thought well, here we are...I'm doing what you wanted, so now what?! And then I just stopped listening. We went to South Africa (fellow CCFers and I), and it was an amazing, life-changing experience. I learned a lot about myself, and honestly I think it scared me to death. I got scared during and after South Africa. I believe this was caused by knowing that I was in the right place. Even though I was struggling as I was, esp. with food and homesickness, God had me right where He wanted me. And if His goal was to EVER make me uncomfortable...boy, did He ever succeed! It scared me to know that what he wanted made me so uncomfortable with my more human self. Spiritually it was a struggle also, but a necessary and profitable one. I learned to keep my eyes open more, especially for those things "unseen", but somehow I shut my ears off. I have been blinded by God's beauty ever since then, and I have been digging for things visually that sometimes are not there. I have poured myself into photography and pondering what those "things unseen" are, but have closed myself off to what God has to tell me.

This all comes after a meeting with Marianna Musser. So strange to see that the first strong woman figure God put in my life way back in Kindergarten has inspired me to write about experiences with one of the other strong women figures God has placed in my life as a college student. See, I never would admit my problem until I met with Marianna b/c honestly I just refused to stop and think long enough about it. What I realized is this: 1. SA scared the living daylights out of me, and with all that is possibly coming up in my life, the last thing I need is to fear what God has in store for me...2. I have become the opposite of all that I have strived to be since sophomore year of college. I have become proud. I am proud b/c I'm better than those ppl we were helping in SA no matter how much I try to tell myself I am not (b/c financially, etc. this is a fact), and I am better than those ppl I try to help everyday at CPS ...but in reality, this is not the case. I am only human, created by God for his purposes. When I think about who I am on my own without the support of my family, I am really only a few hundred (like 200) dollars from being in some of the same situations as those in SA...homeless, hungry, and in desperate need. I am only one child and one tantrum away from being a CPS case...losing control one time and leaving a mark on my [future] child. I have been a child of the DSS system! I have had Medicaid, my mom receives food stamps, etc. I am NO BETTER than anyone. But the most amazing thing I am learning? God loves me anyway.

He loves me and all those poor, mean people. He is willing to forgive me and take me back under his wing, love me and mentor me. I will once again embark on this path to humbleness, and plan to do so with full force. I will grow past that childish feeling of having to earn forgiveness from God, because grace is not earned, it is freely given. Each day is a new day full of new promises and new offers of grace and forgiveness from God...and once I re-learn these basic principals, life will only get better again. The only place to go from here is up! Life is good, but it can be better :)

Praise God, love and trust Him people...you're about to begin reading about my journey in doing so...

-r.

need an update?

well then, i guess you can have a short one before i run to class. that last week that i wrote about...well, ronnie didn't come that monday and tuesday because it worked out best for both of us that he didn't. but he did come that weekend and we had an awesome weekend together! my best friend lindsey is mucho preggo and her shower was this past weekend so i went home for that. it was pretty awesome. then sunday i went to the biltmore house with nan, pop, and harley for free :) we only had to pay $10 for harley's ticket. unfortunately, ronnie had to work this past weekend and i didn't get to see him but for about a total of 15 minutes all darn weekend. he did get to come over thursday when i got home, but that seems far away now and i miss him! lol. i think he's coming up this weekend though to help me get ready for the fundraiser i am spearheading on monday for the ccf south africa trip. and to spend some much needed time together. it seems that we can never get enough time together :-/ hopefully that will change one day! anyway, i'm still asleep and it's 14 minutes until i go to class HA. and i need to eat my cereal. so i guess i'm gonna bounce for now, but know that hopefully my writers block is over and that i am now pondering on God's mercy, so perhaps that will result in a later blog :) luvz, -r.

oh mud.

i guess i'm just in a muddy mood. kinda looking for something to do...kinda thinking i have 100 things to do. gosh. i don't want to go back to school so bad b/c i have so many darn things to do and none of them are fun. spring break has messed with my head. i may need some serious help after i get back to school from being here lol. b/w my crazy hectic family and the dynamics of this house and the ppl that surround me when i'm home (even friends), i'm going looney! haha. and the sad thing is i had really planned to spend some time with Grammie, but she was so sick and she didn't want me over there. so i'm going over there tomorrow for a little bit and then i'll be heading back to boone tomorrow evening. that'll give me a chance to clean up, etc before ronnie prolly gets there on monday. idk what we'll do b/c i have stuff i actually HAVE to do lol, but i guess he's coming anyway. i feel like a week by myself might be really good, but at the same time idk. so...ronnie will be there mon and tues and then leave wed. morning. which gives me wednesday to write my paper for thursday and maybe get a few other things done...maybe. then on friday, lindsey wants to come up and have lunch and hang out (poor super-preggo girl! lol) everywhere we go i know i'll have to be knowledgeable about bathroom locations! haha i love her tho and if she wants to come i'll carry a bathroom around with me (well, if i could). and then sat and sun i think ronnie is coming BACK up. so it'll be a lot of time spent with ppl i love. and the next weekend i'll be home to go to the dr, go to lindsey's baby shower, and prolly/hopefully to the biltmore house with nan, pop, and harley. sometimes i truly wished my life weren't so planned. i wish i could just go where the wind blows and not stress so much! geez. but it appears as of now, that my life is planned for the next year and half. then after that there are NO plans which in a way, is kind of scarier! haha. wow...i have a lot more to say than i thought. i guess i'm just trying to get my thoughts straight. so good luck figuring this out cuz i'm not proof-readin! night! -r.